October 9, 2010
Do you have what it takes?
And so the question continues to be…do we have “the stuff” to make it work? There have been countless theories which have been developed in order to help us answer this question. Many tactics implemented…. but there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to this riddle. No strategy that is proven to work. The honeymoon phase typically lasts about two years. Perhaps more if the affair is in secret. Is this really the case? What is infatuation, anyway? If it is so different from love, why is it that there are times when you never see the end of it? A love relationship can begin with infatuation, what they end with is what we call love, but I have seen old and wrinkled couples who have lived out their whole lives together who even in their dementia, are still infatuated with each other. So what is the line between love and infatuation? Infatuation is textbook and apparently is defined as “foolish or extravagant passion”. What is so foolish about extravagant passion? It sounds like a very beautiful concept to me. It sounds like something that the majority would desire. Let’s look more into what we view as infatuation. I think that when the average person thinks of infatuation, what they see is basically the desire for another person, which translates into their willingness to make the other happy, almost at any and all cost. By making the other happy, you ensure that they will stick around, right? The unfortunate part is this: We are all different. We all have different needs, different understanding on how to meet the needs of others and it is very difficult for a person to truly know how to make another person happy. So when the willingness is there, but the “know how” is not, it is no wonder that things fall apart. The difference is, love is a commitment. Love is devotion. Love is finding a way to make it work. Where there is a will, there is a way, that is why love conquers all.
I do believe in deal breakers, because we all have different needs and deal breakers define our required needs. To read a more detailed explanation of emotional needs I would recommend this site
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
When a person falls in love, they will not be the same. You will do things you never thought you would do. You will say things that you never thought you would say. You will feel as you have never felt before. But the need for emotional satisfaction remains the same, always. Compromise is good and essential, as long as emotional needs are being met, anything is possible. When emotional needs are met, compromise becomes easy. When emotional needs are not being met, compromise becomes near impossible.
“Marriages are created and destroyed one day at a time”
-My mom
I really believe this to be true. It’s not one thing. It’s the sum of cumulative actions or lack of, which ultimately determine the outcome. Like the love bank. Deposits afford you withdraws. Over time, if deposits do not significantly outweigh withdraws, You will fall into a negative or low balance and it is very difficult to recover at that point.
I have wondered in the past, if it was necessary to settle. I was always told that I would never find the perfect man. I think this is a common belief. I suppose I agreed to some degree. Am I crazy to think that Mr. Right is actually out there? All I can say is that, I never settled, and today I am engaged, not only to Mr. Right, but to Mr. Perfectly Right. Mr. everything on my list. If I had ever settled, I would not be as happy as I am today. I always believed, without a doubt, that there was a man out there who wanted a woman exactly like me. Someone I could see eye to eye with and someone I wanted just as much as he wanted me.
I have become even more curious than ever before, as to what it is that makes or breaks marriages. So I asked a friend her what wrong with hers. Her voice broke a little as she said “People change.” I could not accept this as an answer as there must be more to the story than that. So I prodded…”What was it that happened? What was it like in the beginning?”
She lit up as she said “The beginning was wonderful, but life happened. Things happened and he held against me all these petty things and eventually it just fell apart. The intimacy disappeared and after all the things that had been said and done you look around and your just like….. where do we go from here?”
Meeting emotional needs is essential. The positive effects from this are immeasurable. But now, we have discovered another piece of the puzzle. Forgiveness. I am sure that if you truly learn to satisfy the needs of the other, this makes forgiveness abundantly easier. But still, a conscious decision must be made to forgive and forget. The offender can do his part all day long and if you cannot forgive, all will be lost. This is something you must know when you enter into a lifelong commitment. Both partners can choose to do their very best in every way to make the other person happy and to not hurt their feelings. Most likely, there will be times when it happens. Feelings will be hurt, and you must know that you will have to forgive, or ultimately forfeit the relationship.
For more information on living in a way that will make both partners happy, I strongly recommend this page:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html
I do not think that people actually change in a relationship. Perhaps sometimes this is true, but what I really believe is that your actions toward your partner will either enable or hinder positive responses from them. The love bank is key. Keeping your partner emotionally satisfied will get you through the times when withdrawals are made and will facilitate forgiveness.
The goof's guide to relationships 