October 9, 2010
Do you have what it takes?
And so the question continues to be…do we have “the stuff” to make it work? There have been countless theories which have been developed in order to help us answer this question. Many tactics implemented…. but there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to this riddle. No strategy that is proven to work. The honeymoon phase typically lasts about two years. Perhaps more if the affair is in secret. Is this really the case? What is infatuation, anyway? If it is so different from love, why is it that there are times when you never see the end of it? A love relationship can begin with infatuation, what they end with is what we call love, but I have seen old and wrinkled couples who have lived out their whole lives together who even in their dementia, are still infatuated with each other. So what is the line between love and infatuation? Infatuation is textbook and apparently is defined as “foolish or extravagant passion”. What is so foolish about extravagant passion? It sounds like a very beautiful concept to me. It sounds like something that the majority would desire. Let’s look more into what we view as infatuation. I think that when the average person thinks of infatuation, what they see is basically the desire for another person, which translates into their willingness to make the other happy, almost at any and all cost. By making the other happy, you ensure that they will stick around, right? The unfortunate part is this: We are all different. We all have different needs, different understanding on how to meet the needs of others and it is very difficult for a person to truly know how to make another person happy. So when the willingness is there, but the “know how” is not, it is no wonder that things fall apart. The difference is, love is a commitment. Love is devotion. Love is finding a way to make it work. Where there is a will, there is a way, that is why love conquers all.
I do believe in deal breakers, because we all have different needs and deal breakers define our required needs. To read a more detailed explanation of emotional needs I would recommend this site
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
When a person falls in love, they will not be the same. You will do things you never thought you would do. You will say things that you never thought you would say. You will feel as you have never felt before. But the need for emotional satisfaction remains the same, always. Compromise is good and essential, as long as emotional needs are being met, anything is possible. When emotional needs are met, compromise becomes easy. When emotional needs are not being met, compromise becomes near impossible.
“Marriages are created and destroyed one day at a time”
-My mom
I really believe this to be true. It’s not one thing. It’s the sum of cumulative actions or lack of, which ultimately determine the outcome. Like the love bank. Deposits afford you withdraws. Over time, if deposits do not significantly outweigh withdraws, You will fall into a negative or low balance and it is very difficult to recover at that point.
I have wondered in the past, if it was necessary to settle. I was always told that I would never find the perfect man. I think this is a common belief. I suppose I agreed to some degree. Am I crazy to think that Mr. Right is actually out there? All I can say is that, I never settled, and today I am engaged, not only to Mr. Right, but to Mr. Perfectly Right. Mr. everything on my list. If I had ever settled, I would not be as happy as I am today. I always believed, without a doubt, that there was a man out there who wanted a woman exactly like me. Someone I could see eye to eye with and someone I wanted just as much as he wanted me.
I have become even more curious than ever before, as to what it is that makes or breaks marriages. So I asked a friend her what wrong with hers. Her voice broke a little as she said “People change.” I could not accept this as an answer as there must be more to the story than that. So I prodded…”What was it that happened? What was it like in the beginning?”
She lit up as she said “The beginning was wonderful, but life happened. Things happened and he held against me all these petty things and eventually it just fell apart. The intimacy disappeared and after all the things that had been said and done you look around and your just like….. where do we go from here?”
Meeting emotional needs is essential. The positive effects from this are immeasurable. But now, we have discovered another piece of the puzzle. Forgiveness. I am sure that if you truly learn to satisfy the needs of the other, this makes forgiveness abundantly easier. But still, a conscious decision must be made to forgive and forget. The offender can do his part all day long and if you cannot forgive, all will be lost. This is something you must know when you enter into a lifelong commitment. Both partners can choose to do their very best in every way to make the other person happy and to not hurt their feelings. Most likely, there will be times when it happens. Feelings will be hurt, and you must know that you will have to forgive, or ultimately forfeit the relationship.
For more information on living in a way that will make both partners happy, I strongly recommend this page:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html
I do not think that people actually change in a relationship. Perhaps sometimes this is true, but what I really believe is that your actions toward your partner will either enable or hinder positive responses from them. The love bank is key. Keeping your partner emotionally satisfied will get you through the times when withdrawals are made and will facilitate forgiveness.
For every door that closes, an even better one opens
There are so many things we learn in life that are important lessons. However, there is one thing in particular that perhaps not everyone gets the memo on, and I think this is an especially valuable piece of the puzzle in our lives. I have recently come to fully realize this and it has been a very inspiring concept for me.
For the most part, we are all very goal oriented. This is natural, to want bigger and better things. To fight, conquer and have a sense of accomplishment when its all said and done. When things don’t quite go the way we planned, we feel like complete failures. Our dreams have been crushed into bits. As though we have missed out on something wonderful and now it has been lost into a black hole of guilt and regret. All we can do is mourn our loss and replay it in our heads over and over, wondering what we could have done differently. How can we move on? When the perfect opportunity for us to be happy has just been cast into oblivion? This is how it feels… and its easy to feel that way. It is natural to grieve over a loss, or a perceived loss. But wait a minute, lets think about this. I know that in my life I have seen that all the hardships I have been through have led to this very point in time, where I am more ready to receive than ever before. Where I am expecting greater things than ever before. Where I am wise enough to sustain those wonderful things that will come to me. I could never have even known such great things existed, if everything in my life, or even some things, had gone as I desired for them to go. My life would not have been anywhere near as incredible as it is going to be. I think someone had an even greater plan than me, and what do you know, It was multitudes better. There was a time that I grieved over loss, in a way that I would never wish on anyone. I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life, I felt the pain in the very core of my being. I could have never fathomed in that moment of torture, that this was a true blessing, but it was. How can you fully understand, fully actualize a good thing, if you never knew bad? We fight all our lives to have things like, love and riches. When we finally get there, after the sweat and blood of our bodies that went into it. After failing time and time again, we look back at how our lives used to be, and we appreciate what we have that much more. People born millionaires are miserable, they feel no sense of purpose, they try to fill their lives with things to hide the pain and misery they feel. People given too much all their lives take it for granted. Whether it be material or even emotional, verbal, whatever… They don’t always value it the same. I don’t know why it works that way, but it does. ( I cannot say it is always like this, but that is the exception, not the rule.) We work for that which we value, We value that which we have worked for. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that when one door closes, another one is opening, and if you can’t shut a door that need to be shut, you can’t move on to what greatness is waiting for you. I apply this to my relationships. I know what I want, and I am not willing to settle. I believe in finding what I want. I know I will. I will not accept another way, I know it is coming to me. So whenever I break up with someone, I am actually happy and excited to see what is coming my way. Because I know the next one will be better. It does not mean I don’t love, it doesn’t mean I am shallow. I realize that some things are out of my control and there is a good reason for that. It is exciting to know that you are allowing good things into your life and that endless possibilities are open to you. And with every bad thing you let go of, you allow a better thing in. This is quite a realization. This will change your life. People think it’s weird how I can one day be in love, the next day break up and I’m excited about the future. I have feelings, and I am in touch with them, that is why I don’t like to dwell on things that make me feel bad. I have faith. Not because believing in something gives me hope, but because I have seen the results of it. We are not always ready to have everything right away, but life prepares us, and eventually it comes. At least, I can say that about my life. I can see how I needed all of my experiences to prepare me for today.
In carrying these beliefs, a marvelous thing has happened… I have learned to move on in life without fear. I am not afraid to lose. I am not afraid of losing because I don’t believe I actually lose anything. Things are simply replaced with better things. This is astonishing! I might want a certain thing, I might try to make it happen, but I am not afraid if it doesn’t work out, either. Because I believe if it doesn’t work out, it must be for the better. There must be something even better headed my way. This has been the trend, at least. I would not test fate or try to sabotage any aspect of my life. I would not run and try to open the next door simply to see what is there. I let things happen naturally, I am true to myself and I do what feels right. I think that if everyone believed that everything happens for a reason and if everyone believed that for every door that closes, an even better one opens, people would lead much, much happier lives. I have a friend that I try to convince of this. She is so unhappy sometimes, and I see no need for her to be unhappy. I tell her to stop thinking about the past and move onto the future, because that is what you have to look forward to and it is inevitably amazing. She doesn’t understand my point. I don’t think she believes it, and so she remains stuck in the same place, never moving forward. Or moving forward at a snail’s pace, wasting precious time and life and opportunity as she wallows in sadness. We cannot change our past, but we can change our future. Believe it, and it will be true for you. There are many facets to this subject. Too much to cover here. I am just going to say, have some faith, and see where it takes you. Even if it takes you nowhere, wherever you are, at least you will be happy. Is there anything more important than that?
August 8, 2010
I refuse
This battle never ends, This game of love and pain
I know for what I fight, I know what I will gain
But getting there is all but simple
….broken hearts along the way
So many who have wished, they never knew my name
I do not wish them pain
But I will not tell a lie
I will not lead them on
I will not waste their time
& when I set them free
I know joy is theirs to find
For the right one, I am a blessing
Worth waiting all ones life
In the wrong hands a curse
Which causes so much strife
That is true for all…
For love you cannot settle
Love is not “ok”
Love is such desire
You won’t accept another way.
You say I’m mean, but I’m honest with you.
You want the lie, or you want the truth?
The lie is cruel
It is so wrong, yet many do.
The weak will lie
…but I refuse….
Call it a curse
Call it what you want…
…but I know….
For the truth, I’m blessed
When I am saved from the liars
Who try to take my best
Without even thinking….
….of the rest
March 30, 2010
Que sera….sera
What will be…… will be.
Is it really so?
Is there a planned destination that you cannot avoid? Is the future set in stone and what is meant to be will be no matter what? I think that we create our destiny, we mold it as we go. Yes, but in a way, it is set in stone, because in the spirit world, there is no past, present or future…you can see it all. It all exists at once. What will happen has already happened. I think a better way to say it is this, “What will be, already is”. But that does not mean that you do play a role in controlling your own destiny. Things have a funny way of turning out and it is amazing when you look back at the winding path and realize that everything happened for a reason and that is why you are where you are today. Have you ever looked back and felt that everything you have been through has led up to this very point? That the struggles and hardships actually made you a better person? Gave you wisdom? Have you ever thought that you lost the love of your life, only to realize what a bigger better world you have now, without them? Only to find that you never knew love at all, until now…. Have you ever thought you knew something, only to discover more? We do as we please and we mold our future. We twist, we turn, we resist, we learn. Try as you might, but what will happen, has already been. Live your life at ease. Relax and do what feels right. Stick with your gut. Even if you make the wrong decision, through trial and error we learn, and we prepare ourselves for a better future. I would not be who I am today, if not for the trials I faced. If I never knew infatuation, I could never know love. If I never knew pain, I would not be able to stand up for myself. If I never had regret, I would not be so cautious.
Perhaps you have been here already, or perhaps you have yet to arrive at this point. In the midst of trial and tribulation, we ask ourselves why we must bear such adversity. When one looks back, he just might be amazed at how all that has happened, has been a mere stepping stone to the present point in which he stands, and if even one stone was missing, perhaps the path would have led somewhere else. Each stone makes you stronger and prepares you for what is to come. As you pass by each undesirable stone happily blowing away goodbye kisses to it, you know what you do not want. Experience helps you to find and keep the things that you do want. I have found that this is especially true in relationships and I have learned never to settle. because blessings often disguise themselves as misfortune. If you must move onto another stone, you will most likely find that it has only led to an even finer stone than the one before it. However, some people jump, just to jump. Just because they can never be happy with what they have. Simply put, those people will never be happy with what they have. What I am trying to say, is this; Don’t push fate. Let things happen when they happen. Let things feel right. Let things fall into place. Sometimes you have to work hard because that is just life. You will know when you are moving toward something in your life that just feels right. Whenever I am going to make a big decision in my life. I wait for the right moment. I wait until things seem to be shifting in that direction. I wait to see if the circumstances seem to be falling into place. I wait until it feels right. I suppose you could say, I wait for my que. I make a move and see what happens, and que sera….sera.
The goof's guide to relationships 